Sunday, February 09, 2014

Two and One-Half Months

This has been a very tough week for me. Last year, after lots of frustration in dating, I decided to put it aside for a while. It seemed like the few people I met that I might be interested in were not interested in me. The people who were interested in me did not meet the characteristics I am looking for. Besides that frustration, I had reached a point where I just thought I needed to focus on a few areas of my life that needed some attention anyway. So I ended my dating site membership and I stopped “looking”. After several months of being in this “non-dating” mode I felt like I was ready again, but I was not particularly motivated to try.

Then something happened. A lady I met early in the year had remained my friend. We seemed to really hit it off quite well on the two dates we had early in the year. At the time, however, we had both already met other people and had been on a few more dates with them. I became uncomfortable with the idea of dating more than one at a time and I felt like I needed to be open about it. I texted her and, lo and behold, she told me she had the same issue. I really appreciated her honesty. After a day or so, she let me know that she couldn’t see me anymore. She thought she should give the other guy a chance. It was disappointing, but it made sense. As it turned out I stopped dating the person I had been seeing. She dated her guy most of the year. I don’t precisely remember how it started, but I think around early November I sent this lady a friendly message on Facebook, just to see how she was doing. Gradually I learned that she had broken up with the guy recently. We started messaging and then texting frequently. I think we reached the point that we were both interested in meeting again.

But there were a few things that stood in the way. First, she was scheduled for major surgery December 11. Prior to that the holidays and our schedules kept us busy. I also thought the more we could get to know each other first, the better. However, we kept each other wonderful company by texting throughout November and December. I sent her flowers when she got home from her stay in the hospital. I really enjoyed “talking” with her and getting to know her. I also felt happy I could keep her company while she was cooped up. The more we talked and got to know each other, the more we liked each other. We became more and more eager to meet.

Finally, the big day came. On Friday January 3, 2014, I drove to her home to pick her up on our “first” date. I got out of my car and walked to her door. She invited me to step inside. Her precious doggies were excited and hyped up at the sight of a new person. She got them situated and stepped outside. SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL. I opened the car door and we rode to the civic center. I wondered if we would be nervous. I may have had a few butterflies, but I felt extremely comfortable with her. This was her first hockey game. Besides talking about the game, the thing I remember most was talking about our families. I even told her about an unflattering thing that occurred in my life the previous year. I felt compelled to be open about it, and if she rejected me for it, at least I could know that it was based on the truth. It was a very, very nice time. I took her home. We hugged and kissed in the car. Driving home I hoped that she enjoyed herself as much as me. I wondered if she would still be excited to talk more and see each other again. We texted more that evening and it was very evident that we really liked each other.

Our relationship really developed beautifully throughout the month of January. We talked about so many things that are critical to a relationship. Our ideas were practically identical. We talked about the concept of both partners giving 100 percent. We talked about giving each other the space needed and encouragement needed to pursue our dreams, gifts, and talents. She respected my love for weather as much as I did her love of performing music. We both have some very close friends. We both are totally open and honest. There have been no games. There was never a concern that we were communicating too much or too little. It was all very natural. Our feelings developed simultaneously. We came to like each other very much. We shared so many wonderful conversations. She said that I always seemed to say the right thing that she needed to hear at the right time. We laughed together and supported each other. She encouraged, supported, and lifted my spirits when I went through a few days of being very sick.

We only disappointed each other once each. Both times involved each of us falling asleep earlier than usual and causing the other concern. We resolved not to let that happen again. Even though we disappointed each other, I think it just made us both feel all the more loved and cared about. I secretly found myself thinking, “I love this girl,” and then correcting myself and saying I needed to take it slow. We both seemed on a mission to get to know each other more. We had a “common goal” and that was to actually see each other more, in person. We did go to a banjo concerto at the symphony orchestra. It felt so good to hold her hand and have my arm around her. I loved when she would look into my eyes with her beautiful smile. I was so happy to be with such a sweet and beautiful woman. We saw a movie together. Again, I felt like I was in outer space with fireworks when she would touch my hand or place her hand on my leg. Our conversations were always great. After the movie she introduced me to fancy beer at a local brewery I had never been to before. Whenever I took her home we hugged and kissed before she went inside. More and more, I wanted to hold her longer. But we were both willing to be patient. I really liked that a lot! We had a day trip to a state park in Tennessee. What a wonderful day that was. I really enjoyed admiring the scenery with her. We took pictures together. I don’t think you could have found a happier or cuter couple in the world that day. Whenever no one was around, we would like to get a quick kiss or hug. We are both very affectionate, but we are also rather private about it. I like that.

Last weekend we had some communication mix ups but we were so eager to see each other. It had been 12 long days as she had been out of town. We spent several hours Saturday afternoon hiking on the mountain. We found a nice secluded place to sit down and talk awhile. It was, as always, very comfortable and peaceful, like it was meant to be. Before we left, we kissed. That was the most passion I had ever felt in the times we had been together. I already knew we were attracted, but this time really amazed me. As we often told each other, we were a lucky girl and guy.

Then we had a late night midnight movie planned. Without going into detail publicly, I made a mistake. It did not involve anything that “directly” hurt her, such as flirting or anything like that. I take responsibility for my mistake. Even though I am responsible, she didn’t exactly discourage it. The next day she emailed me. She was ending the relationship. She said it wasn’t just last night’s mistake. She thought it was a pattern and a problem in my life. She pointed to an example of something that was not true. She made some false assumptions. She said that even though I was everything she ever wanted in a man, she thought I needed help and she could not continue the relationship. I immediately called. We cried. I apologized. I also tried to show her that her assumptions were not true. I was so hurt. So sad. The best she could offer was for me to give her a few days to think about it.

After three days, I sent her a long response to her email. I poured out my heart. I tried to illustrate for her that this is not a problem in my life. That the mistake I made Saturday was an anomaly. I told her many things about my life that she probably doesn’t even know. I also told her that it would be a shame to lose what we both saw as a very unusually great potential relationship over assumptions and misinformation. I asked her to trust, to not be afraid, and to watch over time if she had doubts. I don’t know what will happen. I have prayed harder this week than I have in a very long time. I have felt the peace that comes from God and the results of people praying for me. It has been a very hard week for me. I have cried a lot. I know through Facebook that it has been a hard week for her. I know how sad she was Sunday. She got her only speeding ticket in decades this week. And then she became very physically sick. I miss talking to her. I always believed in communication was the key before making major decisions. That is why I at least sent my response after three days went by. I felt like she needed to know the truth before she made a decision. I am at peace knowing I have told her the truth.

All I can do is pray that she trusts what I have told her, that she overcomes any fears she may have, and that she gives this wonderful relationship the chance it deserves. If she does not, I will know two things. One is, I take responsibility for my mistake and I will learn from it. Second, if she can’t trust in who I really am and uses what she has seen to end the relationship, then she may not have been as ready for a relationship as she thought. People make mistakes and do stupid things. I need a woman of grace. She does not have to be perfect but she can’t expect me to be perfect either. One time this special lady told me I have “a perfect heart”. I meant to correct her. She was more accurate when she said I have a good heart and a big heart. I may not be perfect, but I don’t have the problem she claimed. I pray that she sees that and that this relationship can remain. I have prayed that more times than I can count. But, more than that, I pray for God’s will in our lives. I pray that all her dreams come true. I pray that she can be the happiest woman in the world. I pray that she receives every blessing she ever wanted out of life. And, until I am told not to, I will love her. Even if loving means leaving her alone, I will love her. I always will.

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